A Riddle of Ugly Proportions

Q: What happens when a gorilla sticks its foot in a orthopedic moon boot?

 A: This does.

$277 for a furry orthopedic moon boot 

I'm sorry Tory Burch but no.

The Hideous Shoe Round-Up

It's time for the hideous shoe round up!

Q: What is the Hideous Shoe Round-Up?

A: When the Interwebs throws too much ugly out in the universe at one time.  It's a virtual mini-collection of the most offensive current offerings.

Today's first contender is Diesel's Heureux.

Mais non

Oh, Diesel...  Heureux I am not.  Exactly $210 plus tax worth of malheureux.  [Note: if this shoe has a zipper, I MIGHT only be $200 worth of malheureux.  I'll give you $10 credit for dedication to a theme.  What can I say, I'm a giver].

You know who is NOT a giver?  Kanye West, the latest rapper turned designer.

Le sigh

WHY DOES SHE HAVE GIANT KNITTED CROISSANTS-SCRUNCHIES AROUND HER ANKLES?  

Mr. West, I implore you, please leave women alone.  And if you must give us knitted breakfast food foot apparel, please do not accent them with my grandmother's fuzzy ball trim.  I am so exhausted looking at this that I almost don't have the energy to tackle the next misguided, mangled, mash up...

So many looks... so many

Remember when you wanted to be a gladiator/biker/sufferer of seasonal affective disorder so you wear pretend sandals when in reality you are wearing winter ankle boots?  Everyone feels this way, n'est pas?

No.  This shoe would be hideous as a sandal.  It would be hideous as a boot.  But the two?  It's just beyond.  And $275.

Drugs and Other Ideas

Overheard (by Mr. Z as I was internet shopping): Seriously? I hope for that price they also come with the less-than-legal substance that made Miu Miu think this was a good idea...

Seaweed Wrap, Anyone?

These are a Diane von Furstenberg creation. Two thoughts come to mind:

1) For roughly the same price, I could get an actual seaweed wrap that would leave my skin radiant and temporarily (let's be realistic here) shave inches off my stomach/hips/thighs/insert-body-part-here.

2) Wearing these would make it look like I have created a California roll out of my feet. And then people (myself included) might just want to eat my feet.

P.S. Those are considered sandals. I don’t care who you are, that is a sweaty, blister-inducing mess waiting to happen.

The Perks of Pregnancy

As a girl who isn’t particularly interested having in children, the idea of being pregnant for, I don’t know, the rest of my life has a certain appeal. I could eat whatever I wanted and no one could call me fat or question it. If someone did, I could cry, say I’m pregnant, and blame the hormones. And (bonus!) I would have a little one to help keep things (sort of) in check – s/he has to eat too, right? So I find this particularly disturbing:
 

While the idea of being one of those fabulous and cute pregnant ladies absolutely has some appeal, let's be honest here. Most days I can't get it together and I'm only dealing with my 2+ decades of self-inflicted situation. Let's not get crazy. But more importantly:

1. A pregnant lady should be allowed to wallow (yes, wallow) in her pregnant glory and enjoy being hefty and wearing a muumuu without the fat joke hassles and tight pants. She’ll have plenty of time to lose the baby weight and cut off circulation in her toes after the requisite 9 months. 
2. I realize there is a special panel for the bump, but I still feel like the garment as a whole can’t be good for the baby. 
3. That special panel I just mentioned? Terrifying. That makes things look like an alien invasion has settled on/in the stomach region. I understand the idea is that no one will see this thing, they’ll just appreciate the final product. But I can’t get past that. And now whenever I see a pregnant lady that is the visual that will come to mind. 

I could go on, but I’m going to leave on a positive note: Women (and some men) now have a special product to gently reign in that beer gut by creating the socially acceptable illusion of a baby bump. Beer gut dilemma solved without exercising or putting down the beverage!

I might be a street tramp...

Straps double as toilet paper.

But, dammit, I'm a fashionable street tramp!  You're feet will feel like $180!

The Evolution of Ugly

Science has made a giant leap forward.  Introducing the Ostopard!!!

Fortunately for us, Mr. Brian Atwood has commemorated this finding with, well, not quite a sandal, not quite a bootie, a sorta pump, maybe?

Feathers, leopard, and laces? Oh my!

And a gold stiletto heel and a zipper, to boot! 

And for only $1450 you can have a part of progress.  A $1450 hideous part.