The Perks of Pregnancy

As a girl who isn’t particularly interested having in children, the idea of being pregnant for, I don’t know, the rest of my life has a certain appeal. I could eat whatever I wanted and no one could call me fat or question it. If someone did, I could cry, say I’m pregnant, and blame the hormones. And (bonus!) I would have a little one to help keep things (sort of) in check – s/he has to eat too, right? So I find this particularly disturbing:
 

While the idea of being one of those fabulous and cute pregnant ladies absolutely has some appeal, let's be honest here. Most days I can't get it together and I'm only dealing with my 2+ decades of self-inflicted situation. Let's not get crazy. But more importantly:

1. A pregnant lady should be allowed to wallow (yes, wallow) in her pregnant glory and enjoy being hefty and wearing a muumuu without the fat joke hassles and tight pants. She’ll have plenty of time to lose the baby weight and cut off circulation in her toes after the requisite 9 months. 
2. I realize there is a special panel for the bump, but I still feel like the garment as a whole can’t be good for the baby. 
3. That special panel I just mentioned? Terrifying. That makes things look like an alien invasion has settled on/in the stomach region. I understand the idea is that no one will see this thing, they’ll just appreciate the final product. But I can’t get past that. And now whenever I see a pregnant lady that is the visual that will come to mind. 

I could go on, but I’m going to leave on a positive note: Women (and some men) now have a special product to gently reign in that beer gut by creating the socially acceptable illusion of a baby bump. Beer gut dilemma solved without exercising or putting down the beverage!

I might be a street tramp...

Straps double as toilet paper.

But, dammit, I'm a fashionable street tramp!  You're feet will feel like $180!

The Evolution of Ugly

Science has made a giant leap forward.  Introducing the Ostopard!!!

Fortunately for us, Mr. Brian Atwood has commemorated this finding with, well, not quite a sandal, not quite a bootie, a sorta pump, maybe?

Feathers, leopard, and laces? Oh my!

And a gold stiletto heel and a zipper, to boot! 

And for only $1450 you can have a part of progress.  A $1450 hideous part.

Fall Boots

Ok, so I’ll freely admit to the fact that my bank account does not allow for extravagant purchases. But I like to believe that even if I could afford to drop $1000+ on a pair of shoes or an article of clothing or an accessory just because it was Tuesday, I would still recognize when I’m being lured into a bad decision based on the capacity of my bank account and a label.

With that, Prada has two boots out this fall that I find particularly...ridiculous? I don’t even know.

Pair 1:

A quick Google search revealed articles claiming, “Prada offers a new boot trend with style, grace, and illusion.” ...Forgive me for disagreeing.

But wait, there’s more! $1500 more. I could just buy a pair of shoes that look remarkably similar to the “shoe” on said boot and pay significantly less. Not to mention how many more options I would have to wear with the actual shoes (aside, of course, from a weirdly fuzzy looking leg). But now that I have brought it up, what do you wear with this boot? I mean, you can’t wear a short skirt because you would end up with two-tone and two-texture legs. You can’t wear skinny pants, leggings, jeggings, etc. because it would look like one of the Founding Fathers got lost in the rabbit hole and made his way to 2011. And there is no point in wearing pants over them – that just takes us back to my original point of purchasing actual shoes. So I guess you wear a midi skirt and hope that at no point your actual skin shows. Or you could just wear some sassy shoes with an ankle strap, thus creating the exact same look.

Pair 2:

Ugh. $2400 ugh.

The Numbers Game

Have you ever spotted a pair of shoes that you didn't flat out hate but also weren't over the moon about?

I like to call this feeling kinda love.  Kinda love is the worst feeling to have about an item because you don't buy it but you constantly think about it.  And the should-I-shouldn't-I debate only grows until the next thing you know, you are asking anyone who will listen for a second opinion.  And often with kinda love, you wait to long.  The next thing you know the object of your kinda love is sold out and you realize you've made a horrible mistake because you now know you definitely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can't live with out them.

But I digress...

I was recently at the mall doing shoe research (if only that was a real job) when I stumbled across my most recent object of kinda love.

Cute, right?  They had enough pull to get me into a Payless in Costa Rica.  Yes.  I admit it.  I'm a lover of shoes of any price and quality.  Now you may be wondering why, at Payless prices, did my kinda love shoes not become my vacation impulse buy shoes?  Well, dear readers, how much do you think those beauts cost?  $30?

$40?

$50?

Nope.  $88.  Eighty-eight US dollars.  Take a moment for that to sink in.  Is your mind blown?  I can still barely wrap my mind around it.   I was paralyzed.  They were cute but not me.  But super fun for the end of summer.  But did I really want to part with nearly one hundred dollars?  For shoes from Payless?  Next thing I knew I was emailing and sending international picture texts for second opinions.  I mean, you would have done the same thing, right?  Right?  No, only me?  Then this might not be the right blog for you.

But I digress...

$88...

Halloween: Check!

Listen, forget any plans you may have for my Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Arbor Day, Congrats-You-Survived-Another-Tuesday gift. I have found all I need:

I mean, COME ON! They're so versatile! I can easily dress them down with jeans. Or I can dress them up the days I'm in full Raggedy Ann costume.

You Are Breaking My Heart

Apparently Nordstrom and I don’t feel the same way about each other. I adore Nordstrom. As several people in my life can attest, I have literally planned vacations around visiting a Nordstrom. However, I don’t think Nordstrom feels the same way about me. For example, I just got an email today about wedding attire and accessories. Don’t they know I got married last year? Where was this email a year (or two) ago? But I suppose I can’t hold that against my beloved store – there are several ladies out there who were also let down by its tardiness. And, to be fair, the wedding game is a growing market – just think about all the women forced to shop at nothing more than overpriced, underwhelming bridal shops.

However, I can hold elements of the bridal selection against them. Exhibit A:

In what world, pray tell, are these considered bridal shoes? I mean, I guess they're sparkly. So if that is the only criteria then, yes, yes they are a bridal shoe. But juxtapose this shoe against, say this dress:

Now, before I lose all credibility here, I would like to point out that this dress was chosen solely based on the fact it is the least expensive dress in the predetermined category (aside from one other sale item) - things can only go up from here. I do not personally endorse purchasing this item. That being said, this wedding dress deserves better than those shoes. But then this dress also deserves better than these gems (also listed as bridal shoes):

Shoes, I might add, that are $1,725. At least the first pair has the decency to be priced at $53.95. But price aside, I would argue that these booties are questionable as daily-wear-shoes or night-on-the-town-shoes. So, wedding shoes? Seriously?

But you know what? Maybe I should thank Nordstrom. Thank them for not sending this email when I was actually planning a wedding. When I was second guessing every decision I made. After all, it prevented me from thinking $1700 booties were a good idea. A good idea that would have forever tainted my relationship with Nordstrom. A good idea that would have effectively ended our relationship forever.